Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
You Might Also Like
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.