Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

thank god the sign was there

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

✨☝️✨

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)