Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup