Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …