be safe out there!
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.