be safe out there!
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.