be safe out there!
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable