Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
just left a huge legacy in there
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”