@JennyJohnsonHi5

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

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@ryanaboyd

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

@ch000ch

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

@TEAMP2007

Sometimes my kid likes me, but I’m pretty sure it’s only because I’m his Oreo dealer.

@UncleDuke1969

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

@NervousJr

Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

@delusions_of

Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.

@UnFitz

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

@ag_loco

Dear men,

We love you until you forget to call or show up late or breathe the wrong way

– women

P.s you’re reading this tweet wrong