Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.