Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast