Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full