“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna