“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination