“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.