Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

How do dragons blow out candles?

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

WHY?!

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

superman landing like a plane on his belly

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO