[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I’m already scared
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I bet birds love this building.
I’m too immature for adultery.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.