A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Be the change you want to find beneath the sofa cushions.
You Might Also Like
My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.
Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
There is a new app. that tells you how smarter your dog is.
Here’s how it works :-
If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than you.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*