Be the change you want to find beneath the sofa cushions.
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point