@JustCallMeFrank

Be the change you want to find beneath the sofa cushions.

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@ObscureGent

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@DiamondLou69

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

@bornmiserable

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

@TheToddWilliams

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@Average_Dad1

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point