@JustCallMeFrank

Be the change you want to find beneath the sofa cushions.

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@steveffootball

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

@Gooooats

My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.

@bencjenkins

Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.

@girl_a_whirl

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

@dubstep4dads

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

@iLikeCatShirts

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

@iGreenMonk

There is a new app. that tells you how smarter your dog is.

Here’s how it works :-

If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than you.

@joeljeffrey

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

@BoogTweets

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*