Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
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I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn鈥檛 freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are鉂わ笍
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Don鈥檛 believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won鈥檛 actually stick to someone鈥檚 face.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn鈥檛 you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Why didn鈥檛 they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I鈥檓 all alone, it鈥檚 just me, my shelf and I
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 馃槈
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and鈥h鈥hat鈥檚 with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There鈥檚 always room for a happy little tree.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Even if you鈥檙e fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.