Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.