“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
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If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.