“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
are there any atheist mantises?
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00