“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.