I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty