Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera