Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it