@Mix_With_Vodka

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

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@Tups13

“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”

*Bing! Twitter notification!*

Thud.

@david8hughes

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@liv_thatsme

Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@Home_Halfway

ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
DATE: Okay
ME:
DATE:
ME;
DATE:
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

@LizHackett

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

@LibyaLiberty

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

@mattZillaaaa

I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30