Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.