Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
*updates tinder bio*
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.