Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.