Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Give us this day our daily internet validation
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in