Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

My blood type is coffee.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please