Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
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*pokes sex life with a stick
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp