Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Stop making fast and furious movies.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.