Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”