Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Anyone really

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything