Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Always

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice