Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Born to be mild.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.