Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
#SCOTUS one-star review
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.