Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Do not go gentle into that good night,
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
aesthetic
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.