Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
the best thing i’ve ever made
