Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
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For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Always the vampires
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.