Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

My biological clock is wheezing.

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

Someone just threatened to call me later

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”