Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
You Might Also Like
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
water it, i dare you
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.