Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Barbie gone wild
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir