Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
For anyone who needs this today
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.