Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”