Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex