Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I’m going to need a moment here.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.