Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
You know I’m something of a chef myself
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school