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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*