be the person your targeted ads think you should be
You Might Also Like
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.