Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
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I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th