Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
You Might Also Like
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.