Be the reason someone burns sage.
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Social Media and Real life
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.