Be the reason someone burns sage.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date