Be the reason someone burns sage.
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If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us