Be the reason someone burns sage.
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Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.