Be the reason someone burns sage.
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That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.