Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Actually cracking up @ this
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years