Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

*updates tinder bio*

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

We all have our pet causes.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*