Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
stand with me against insufficient seating
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?