Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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Just grow your own
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.