Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Admin smashed it 😂

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting