Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Chicago sounds lovely.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.