Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
This is me 🤣🤣
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.