Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.