Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.