Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.