Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.